Tainting the rose that was our love
by Winds of serenity
Summary: What will happen when Serena realizes a truth she longed to ignore for so long? Will she do something rash? Warning: deathfic


Tainting the rose that was our love

By Winds of Serenity

Authors Notes: 

Hello! This is one of my first fanfictions and if anyone likes it would you please review? Please? If anyone out there likes it and wants me to write more, or write about a different subject ( This is kinda a dark subject) E-mail me? I hope everyone out there gives me a chance. On with the show, and thanks for taking some of your time to read!

Disclaimer: I don't own the show or characters in this story, I just write fanfics about them.

Rating: I've never rated anything before...PG-13?

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His smile, so soft and caring, is imprinted in my memory. The way he held me, carefully, as though I could break at any given moment. His gentle kisses and loving words...

I gaze at the stars, each bright, telling its own story. The heavens look so beautiful at night, every star shining with its own special light in its own glory. The dark, velvety space beyond looking as flowing as the dark sea, its mysteries known only to itself. Powerful beauties lie in it, many dangerous and unknown. Yet, in my eyes, not even the un-ending space is more of a mystery to me than his deep blue eyes. They hold secrets which I would give my life to know. Some I know and understand, but many are kept from me.

Like his true feelings and intentions. His goals in life...

But some secrets are not meant for me. Smiling sadly, I shift my gaze to the moon. It stands out in the night, its light brighter than any star. I cannot help but think that even the moon's light is not its own, but a mere reflection of the suns' burning rays given a more calm illusion. But I like the metaphor. I have never been able to like the suns light, it has always seemed to bright for me. I much prefer the moons cool, silvery rays than the suns warm, golden ones. Is that because I am a moon child?

A cool, crisp air blows softly, making my hair and dress sway slightly. Sighing, I tilt my face towards it, enjoying its light, feathery touch. A soft crash from below causes me to look downwards at the waves as they hit the edge of the cliff. I have always loved the sea, almost as much as the universe. It's secret is more possible to discover, yet not even modern technology has been able to fully uncover its secrets. How could they hope to understand what lies beyond our earth when they cannot even understand the earth itself?

How can I try to understand him?

He loved me, at one time. He would treat me as though I was the only one that mattered. The only one that could get past his closely guarded heart and make him melt the ice surrounding his heart so he would be able to feel loved once more, and return the action. His kisses were always gentle, never going too far out of fear it'd be too quick for me. He held my hand and intertwined our fingers, he'd hold me close and whisper soothing words when I was depressed or overwhelmed. He'd always be there.

And he still is. But not the same way. He still holds me, he still kisses me, but he is no longer in love with me. I can see he is slowly drifting away from me. He has learned to love again, and he feels that I have already taught him all that he needed to know, all that he needed to remember. Before I was the only one to listen to him should he need anyone, but he has learned to trust others again. He no longer needs me. Not that way. Not as a lover. But he still cares, and is afraid that I will be heartbroken should I learn of this. 

What really saddens me is why? Am I not loveable? What are his true feelings? I don't, won't, believe that he has just tired of my love. That I was just a teacher while he listened to my lessons, that I would teach him something he would later on use on someone else. He is too kind, too good a soul to do that. To use me like that. So why?

I love him. More than life, as unbelievable as it may sound. I would gladly give my life for his, so he would get a chance to continue his and live it to the fullest. My love is a pure white rose which stands tall and true eternally. It's white petals represent the true, innocent love that will stand strongly against all odds. A rose made and kept by the souls bonded by it.

I can't help but wonder how long that rose will live anymore.

I let a lone, sparkling tear slide down my cheek as I realize...I have to let him go.

Isn't that what they say? If you love someone enough, you have to learn to let them go? You have to free them? Help them break loose of the cage that holds them captive?

But if I do that, I'll also let my happiness drift away too...

He's seen Raye a lot lately. I don't blame him, she is beautiful. She would understand him so much better than me...and she needs someone to help her break out of her shell. He's be perfect. He's perfect in every way. She deserves him, like I don't. I have everything. She has nothing. Just like he once had nothing.

And though they both hide it as much as they can, they both love each other very much. Like he once did me, now he loves her with the same passion.

But now that rose is no longer a pure white, but a passionate dark red.

He never showed me passion.

He never longed for me.

But he longs for her.

Using my powers, I summon a single white rose. Staring at it sadly, I marvel at its beauty. Not a single smear of pink, no yellowish, not a tint of any color in it. Just a pearly, flawless white. This rose was created by Endymion in the Silver Millennium, with his ability to make roses and my moon essence. And most importantly...our love...his gift so I may never forget him, should he die in battle. In exchange for my moon locket. The song has not sang for me in quite a while. I think I know why.

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I walk slowly towards my goal, my footsteps heavy. I never believed I could feel this way. I never thought it could affect a human being so hard, so mercilessly. 

Pain, sadness, emptiness...

I know I am getting near. I feel his presence. We were always able to do that, but he always was able to feel mine first.

Right now, I know he didn't feel me at all.

Fighting back tears, I slowly climb the steps. He is here. I clutch my treasure tightly against my chest, willing myself to choke back my sobs. At the end of the steps I pause, dreading my encounter. The only thing that repeats itself over and over is the one question I cannot, and I am afraid will not, be answered. Why...?

Silent as the wind, I slowly open the door so I won't make a noise...and stand there in shock at what I see.

Mamoru is not only visiting her. He is kissing her passionately.

He never did that to me.

He never held me tightly, so I wouldn't let go.

I guess that's because one day he would let go of me...

It still hurt. Even though I had expected it slightly, it was a slap in the face to discover it really is true. It is...true...

I look at my treasure. I hide it.

No more...I will no longer pretend...

If I do I will only hurt him and me more than I already have.

Determined, I stand there. Calmly watching him give his love to another...to my one of my best friends. I can't disturb them. Not now. Turning around, I walk outside and close the door just as quietly as before. Standing outside I quietly hide my treasure and take out something else...my last present to him.

Looking upwards I realize the moon is no longer shining as brightly as before. It's light is much weaker, as bright as the stars and no more. I am slightly disappointed, for it has always given me strength. I was always able to look at it and it's calmness and cool pride would give me the strength I lack so much of the time. Not now, though.

I wonder if the moon, like myself, just doesn't have any more strength to give...

I wonder what I'll do now. I can't see him after this. I would break down and cry, making him feel worse about this. I would make him feel ashamed of following his heart. I would make him live a life of misery if he chose to come with me, for giving up on his one true love, or live miserably because he chose her and broke my heart.

You see, he doesn't know just how much he means to me. He knows I care for him a lot, but he thinks that's just a crush I have. He thinks I would get over it over time should he leave me. Yet, he stays even so. He doesn't want me to go through all that time alone and crying over my first love. He wants me to find my true love before he decides to tell me the truth.

That's all I could pick up from how much I know him and our bond. I can sense a few, very few, vague things at times. I just have to convince my heart that this is true. That he wasn't planning on just breaking it to me any time, or to double cross me. He wouldn't, would he? He cares too much.

Right?

I hear a shocked gasp beside me. I freeze. Slowly, as if not really wanting to do so, to just forget it all, I turn around. I look into a pair of shocked, frightened violet eyes and a pair of deep blue orbs of beauty, shining with fear, with shock, with regret...

We stand before each other. Neither one of us move, and for the first time in my life I truly understand what the phrase ' deafening silence' meant. It really scared me, to not hear anything. I felt as though I had gone deaf, reaching up to my ear I touched it lightly, then pretended to pull my hair away from my face, embarrassed to have done something so childish. 

As if sensing my discomfort, a slight cool breeze makes the branches sway and the leaves rustle, proof that I still hear. Though I am wishing I didn't. As long as I can hear, see, touch, breathe...I will have to go through the hardest part of my life. Letting him go.

He takes a step forward, his hand rising as if about to reach out to me, but I quickly step back. Hurt, shocked, he snaps his hand back and looks at me with pleading eyes. He seems afraid of me and what I will do. He stands there stiffly, his eyes never leaving mine, watching my every move. He thinks I will do something I'll regret. He's right.

Slowly, I shift my gaze to Raye's. She looks at me pleadingly, afraid of letting him go but willing to do so if it will mean my happiness and his. She has always been such a good friend. I stare at her for a long time, making sure my gaze doesn't show neither rage nor hurt at what she and Mamoru have done to me and my soul.

I take a step towards her, and immediately they both tense. Mamoru reaches out and pulls me into a tight embrace, not letting me move. He starts apologizing and telling me that he loves me very much. Raye takes a step forward, as if to hug me and reassure me too, then thinks better of it and steps back, watching us sadly.

I momentarily hug Mamoru back, relishing in the feel of his strong arms around me. I know this will be the last time he and I are ever going to be so close.

Gently, I pull his hands away and step back. I can see he is clearly confused by my actions, my calm actions, but makes no move to stop me. I stare at them both, so close together, seeking strength and guidance from each other. Giving them a sad smile, I nod slightly.

His eyes widen, as do hers. She tries to speak but no words are able to make it past her dry lips. Mamoru, my one and only love, eternally in my heart, stares at me in complete shock.

Suddenly, a bewildered look of recognition appears on his handsome features.

He knows.

He has finally found out that I have known about this affair for quite some time now. He was blind about it before because he was too wrapped up in covering it on the outside to notice that I could pick up some things through our soul-bond to start piecing everything together. Love blinds people from truths that are at times plain to see.

Seemingly out of thin air, I produce a rose in my hand. A dark red rose, it's petals delicate, it's beauty flaming. Red as the passion that burned deep within their souls for each other. My last gift to him... my last gift to him and his new lover.

Holding back the tears that threatened to fall, I held out the rose for them to take. 

Mamoru looked at me incredulously, as did Raye, then both reached out to take the flower at the same time. I feel my smile falter a bit, then quickly cover it up. They look at each other guiltily as their hands brush together, then Mamoru takes the rose and looks at me sorrowfully. He doesn't know what my gift means yet, and doesn't understand what I am doing. I look at him wistfully for a little longer, taking in as much as I can, then turn around and leave. 

Mamoru gaze is fixed on me, I can sense that. His eyes burn at my back, trying to understand, trying to realize what is happening. He and Raye are rooted to the spot. Turning my head slightly, I can see Raye staring at me out of the corner of my eye. I turn back and walk away, making sure they aren't following. Mamoru, Sayonara.

Aishiteru...

I stop as I feel the salty spray of sea water on my face, mixing with my own salty tears. I don't hold them back anymore. I wouldn't be able to if I wanted to. A soft, broken sigh escapes my lips as I close my eyes and tilt my head upwards, towards the moons silvery glow. Now, more than ever, I need the strength I have long lost. 

Slowly, I take out my treasure. Being extremely careful to not break it in any way. It's funny, really, since I am going to destroy it soon.

The white rose stands out in the night like a shining star.

I stare at it sadly, trembling slightly. My hand closes around it tightly, being careful not to touch the petals, hugging it close to my chest. I feel a slight pain and open my eyes, looking at my hand. 

The roses' thorns tore my skin, making a few cuts appear on my hand. I am amazed at how the blood stands out. Such a crimson red against my pale, almost white, skin. A sob escapes my throat, tears blurring my vision.

The rose never had thorns before.

The rose was supposed to stand for our love, having neither thorns nor any other color than the pure white. It stood for our loves eternal purity. Tainted with neither any other color than white or thorns that create wounds. Innocent.

I guess that our love isn't innocent anymore. I guess our love just isn't there anymore.

Sighing sadly, I clutch it tightly, making more small cuts on my hand relishing in the pain that they cause. I need something, anything, to take my mind off the pain I feel deep within my heart, tearing my soul apart. Physical pain, whatever it might take. I just can't take it.

He never opposed my decision, he never ran after me to stop me, he never told me he was sorry. He just took what I gave to him freely and didn't think twice about how much that hurt me. I know, he needs his freedom from me to continue living in happiness, but still...

Deep in my heart I knew that this was not so. He did care, he was sorry, he just wasn't able to show it because he was in shock. But it was so much easier to blame him, or her, to put the blame on anyone. To be able to look at someone and say, 'it's all your fault!'. 

But I can't blame him for falling in love with someone else. I can't blame him for having a free will. His choice came from the heart, although he never knew he'd made a choice. He opened a door to a different destiny, one in which happiness was found with Raye and not me. 

Not me.

By now the rose has made enough cuts on my hand to have it bleeding quite heavily. Thin trails of crimson red run down my arm, drops of blood dripping onto the sand. The roses' thorns are unnaturally big, each razor-sharp tip biting into the soft skin on my hand. Staring at the rose in a trance, I bring one of my bloody hands up over it. Drops of blood fall onto it, the once perfect white now tainted with crimson drops of my own blood. Blood is unknown to true innocence. 

Calmly, I throw the rose into the water. The rose falls as though it were a feather, dancing in the air before it reaches the cliffs edge and the sea's dark blue waters. The waves attack it instantly, crushing it and sinking it. The same waters that destroyed it reach up to lightly spray my body. I stare at it as if in a dream. As if this wasn't really happening.

Then I feel it. The rushing, overwhelming pain. Even though he might not love me, that rose was my last reminder that he once did care for me. My last reminder of happiness. Turning my head upwards again, I let out a piercing scream. I scream in pain, the agony of the knowledge tearing me apart, the eternal wounds in my heart growing. And emptiness fills the place he once had in my heart, my soul withering and dying. He was everything to me. He was my life.

I break down crying, sobs shaking my body. I feel so fragile, as though the wind could easily tear me apart. I drop to my knees, my weight suddenly to heavy for me to handle. My hands clutch my chest, the pain in my heart only increasing by the moment. I thought that telling him that I would let him go would be the hardest part. I was wrong.

What hurt me most, the hardest part, is not telling him, but coping with the fact after it is done. The awful knowledge that he is no longer mine, in any way. That I was just a 'crush' for him. While he was my light of hope, love, tranquility. He is now gone and I can't pretend that nothing is wrong. That I will not, however much I want to, be able to get near him without hurting both of us. That I will only have memories. memories which might be fake.

I feel myself choking, gasping for breath as it quickly leaves my lungs. My uncontrollable sobs make the task doubly hard. Through my blurred vision I stare at the heavens. I want to go there, where there is nothing but beauty and wonders, where there is always something new and miraculous to see. I want to experience peace once more...

Blotches of black appear at my vision, the lack of air making me slowly loose my grasp on consciousness. But with the black blotches there also comes exhaustion, and my sobs quickly subside so I am able to breathe again. Weakly I rise to my knees. I look at the heavens once more, then at the deep oceans below me. With great effort, I put my left foot shakily on the ground, putting my hand on my knee and hoisting myself up. Still gasping for breath, once again look from the heavens to the ocean.

I can't go up to the heavens. I'll have to settle for the next best thing. I stumble closer to the edge of the cliff. The crushing waves below beckon to me. A soft, sad song plays from somewhere nearby. I freeze, fresh tears gathering in my eyes. The melody is extremely sad, beautiful in every way. I take out the locket from my pocket. It's not our song. Even my present to him reminds me that we are no longer lovers. 

But I like the melody. It...suits me. I stare at the locket as it plays its soft song. To weak to sob but unable to stop the tears that once again traveled down my cheeks, I bend down and softly kiss the locket. I gave him up for another, he betrayed me, he went after my best friend, he broke my heart beyond repair and created wounds that would never heal.

Aishiteru, Mamoru.

I might try to hate you for the hurt, the agony, you've caused me. But no matter what, I will never be able to hate you. That is why, after all, I feel like this. Because of my love and inability to despise you.

I put my locket on, no longer hiding it. Before I hid it because it meant something that I did not fully understand, something almost always out of my reach. Something others would look down upon.

Now it stands for what I understand too much and is too close.

I feel the music playing, right beside where my heart is. I look out at the ethereal sea in front of me. Its deep blue color reminds me so much of him...of his eyes. Its powerful waves crush what's left of the rose, reminding me of how he crushed my heart by doing something so natural to him. By following the flow of his heart. How could I ever hate him for something he never realized he was doing until it was too late? Until he could no longer stop even if he wanted?

I feel him calling. Through the soul-bond. He's looking for me. I take a step closer to the edge, trying to look deeper into the depths of the sea. They have so many secrets...like him...

So many secrets yet to be uncovered by the human race. I want to learn those secrets too. I want to drown my worries in the soothing arms of the sea. Looking down at the beach, I see the tips if it kissing the sand, and for a while I let myself wonder what it would feel like to be kissed like that by the ocean. But those salty kisses are for the sand only. I wonder if they would be allowed for me too...

Staring out at the sea once again I am slightly surprised at what I see. The sea lets out its long, haunting song. It's so sad...sorrowful, like me...so distressing...beautiful...

The waves reach out to me, as thought longing for me...offering relief in its cool darkness. A release from all the pain. And it was so much like him...

Giving myself in to its song , to its inviting embrace. I approached my savior, longing for it as it longed for me. Soon...there would be nothing left of my shattered soul. Soon there will be a long awaited release from the pain...from the lies... 

Just one more step...

....as I fall I listen to the sea's song, as it seems to whisper my name over and over, making it part of its song...I'm falling, yet it feels like an eternity...how I long to be part of it...to melt into its gentle rhythm...

Finally, I am encased in its cool waters. I open myself fully to it, letting myself sink into its welcoming depths, letting it take me and drowning into soft oblivion. At last, peace is as near as it never was before. My hand brushes softly against something...a blood splattered petal...even the sea couldn't clean it. Our love was tainted. But the sea...it will take the pain away...

I'm finally part of it...and him, too. The sea...his eyes are just like the depths of the sea.

Mamo-chan...aishi.....te...ru

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Sucked? Loved it? Could do better? Please review and let me know ( be gentle, first timer here) thanks again for taking your time to read this.


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